Iyanla Vanzant is speaking candidly about one of the most painful decisions of her life: choosing not to attend her daughter’s funeral. In a recent appearance on The Jason Lee Show, the spiritual teacher and bestselling author revealed that protecting her emotional well‑being had to come before public expectations of how grief “should” look.
“My first responsibility is to take care of me.”
Vanzant told Jason Lee that attending the service didn’t feel emotionally safe or spiritually respectful — for herself or for her daughter.
“My first responsibility is to take care of me. I didn’t feel that it would be safe for me, that it would be respectful for her, for me to go.”
Her comments came as Lee shared his own experience of skipping his father’s funeral after years of estrangement. Both agreed that funerals should never be treated as mandatory when they conflict with someone’s boundaries or healing.
She honored her daughter privately
Vanzant emphasized that her absence didn’t mean she failed to honor her child.
“I sat home, and I prayed. I did ceremony for her. I lifted her and elevated her soul and her spirit.”
She also challenged the cultural expectation that grieving relatives must participate in traditional funeral rituals.
“Funerals are not for the dead. Funerals are for the living.”
Vanzant did not specify which daughter’s funeral she was referring to in this part of the interview.
A history marked by devastating loss
Vanzant has endured the deaths of both her daughters.
- Nisa Vanzant, her youngest, died in July 2023 at age 49.
- Gemmia Vanzant, her eldest, died from colon cancer on Christmas Day in 2003.
These tragedies have shaped Vanzant’s public reflections on motherhood, grief, and the tension between helping others heal while navigating her own pain.
Honest about her parenting struggles
In a previous interview on Cam Newton’s Funky Friday podcast, Vanzant described herself as a “horrible mother,” explaining that raising three children while surviving an abusive marriage left her focused on protection and financial stability rather than emotional nurturing.
“I didn’t do the nourishing, the nurturing, the affirming.”
Returning to OWN with new specials
Vanzant is back on the Oprah Winfrey Network with two new specials exploring complex relationships:
- Mothers & Daughters: Torn Apart (premiered October 9)
- What Black Men Say vs. What Black Women Hear (premiered October 16)
Her latest comments add another layer to her ongoing conversation about healing, boundaries, and the deeply personal ways people navigate grief.
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